I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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