Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
