I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
