Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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