i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
