I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
