I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
