dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
