if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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