I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
