fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
