Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
