I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
