HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
