Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
