My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
