I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.