I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
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