I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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