May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
