Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
