I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
