Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
