I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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