You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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