If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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