i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
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The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
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I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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