OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
