I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.