My girlfriend figured out who you are.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!