i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
