I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
