good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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