The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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