My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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