You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
