He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
