I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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