Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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