Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
