So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
