you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
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I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
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what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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