Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
