My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
