weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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