I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Duck Duck Cougar?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You can't just leave with hair like that
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
