who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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