It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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