I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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