Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
