I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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