Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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