Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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