Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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