McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
