When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
