I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
