What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
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I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
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You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize