i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
