I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
