Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
