on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
